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okay.. I know I haven't posted for a long time.. been busy.. many stories to tell .. many memorable moments with Lauren.. but today I just want to vent.. hey but ... that's the thing about social media these days.. you can not just share with some of your readers and block some others who you don't want them to know what you are thinking.... so .... blah!

back to work soon

It's count down time. I will be back to work on Lauren's birthday (July 6). I am not too excited about going back. I know I will enjoy some of it, but the only thing I can think about is that she will be spending more time with my MIL instead of with me. I know she is in good hand, but I am getting the separation anxiety!

I also worry about catching up with work. It's been a long time since I put my mind in the work mode. I've got the preggo brain, and then mommy brain.. I have to rely on Tim sometimes with memories.. (that is really bad!). I just spent sometime with my co-workers a few weeks ago, and my mind goes blank when they start to talk about work stuff..

I will also be very close to Lauren. Like a block and half away! Gosh.. my boss is going to love that! "Where is Jessica? She is missing again?! Oh nursing!?? " LOL! Poor Dan!

oh I feel awful

I screamed and yelled at her today. I just got so frustrated. She was crying and would not let me change her diaper or go to sleep. I got so mad I screamed! So she cried even harder. I was still upset so I put her on the floor! And she didn't understand so she cried harder. Then I yelled at her again.. and she continued to cry. Oh poor thing.. I finally picked her up, broke down and cry in front of her and then I started singing to her to help her feel better. ... We went out for lunch after and we are both better now.. Phew...

Sleepy time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh the sleep issue... this is going to be a very long post.

Ever since Lauren was 2 months old, sleep is the number one thing on my mind. Not my lack of sleep, that came after.. it was her lack of sleep.

this is what I remember from 2 month - 5 month:
- only 30 min nap
- can stay up for up to 6 hours
- has to be on our chest the entire time
- has to be nursed.. and once that stopped working, has to have motion
- I can't sit down, she wakes up right away
- at night, wakes up 15 min, 30 min, an hour, 2 hours, 3.. about 6-7 times a night to nurse
- sleeps on our chest at night (which means I go to bed at 8am sometimes)
- wakes up at 2am and stays up for 3 hours
- screams if it's not mommy
- needs the fan in the bathroom if she is with daddy
- average hours of sleep per day: 11 hours (but I added the hours that I was nursing her)
- 8 hours of sleep within 24 ours was her record.

how was I?
- exhausted
- depressed
- upset with her
- upset with Tim (he kept suggestion that maybe she is not getting enough milk from me!)
- upset with myself
- wanted to bang my head against the wall when she's crying
- lost weight..

Finally we decided to go to a sleep consultant. I thought: she should be an expert. Not! If it ain't working, it's my fault for either not following the plan, missing her tire sign or somehow baby is sensing my anxiety. I am holding a lot of angers about this training issue and maybe one day I will write another post to release my anger.. that will be another long post :)

so after many tears from baby and mommy.. she was sleeping better. I can't say that Cry it out works because she still would not let me put her down to sleep awake at night time. But she did learned to put herself back to sleep in the middle of the night and she only cried for a minute if I put her down awake at nap time. Oh and I didn't say that she is sleeping through the night! She still wakes up about twice each night for milk. It is definitely better than 6 or 7 times though.

So for the past 3 months (6-9 month), we'd been doing okay. She napped two to three times a day and total about 2.5 hours. Her bedtime is around 7, wakes up twice for feeding. I wanted to cut those feedings, but just too tired (I'd stay up to listen to her fuss until she falls asleep.. which could be an hour.. so I'd rather just feed her).

Weird things start happening...
When we went to Castlegar to see her grandparents, she did not cry at all for naps. She would talk to herself and then sleep. That last three nights - the entire time we were at Castlegar. After we came back, instead of no cry or crying for a minute, she cried for 15 minutes before she naps! What a step back!

Then another thing happened: She woke up at night but she didn't cry or fuss for longer than a minute. She just went back to sleep. The next day, she was teething and she woke up every hour. However, she did the same thing.. went back to sleep without needing me. Oh even though I was up all night each time she woke up.. but that was awesome!! I was so happy.

Two days later.. as if that wonderful sleeper was a temporary replacement.. things went from awesome to awful. She would wake up as soon as I put her down and she would not stop crying until someone holds her. She would stay up or doze off but as soon as we put her down, she started screaming again! It happened for naps too. So we went back to walking her to deep sleep or letting her sleep on my chest! And she starts waking up twice for feed again! What a step back!

I wonder what is going on... oh I hope it's a stage that will pass very very soon!

the truth is...

When Lauren wouldn't go to sleep, she whines in her crib. I couldn't do anything (feeling bad). When she finally goes to sleep, I couldn't do anything (she's finally asleep, don't want to wake her up). When she is up, I couldn't do much (she wants to be entertained all the time). When she doesn't get enough rest, it takes a long time of holding and tears to get her to sleep at night. No wonder my house is a mess and I am in a lot of stress.

milestones

of course I am bragging.. even though every baby is different and she is not a early crawler.. I am still proud of my baby!

By 6.5 month:
She goes in the potty (most of the poop and occasional pee)
When I tell her it's sleepy time so pat the sheep, she'd kiss her sheep and pat it.

By 8.5 month:
she is crawling!
she got two bottom teeth!
when we tell her to and she is in the mood: she can clap her hands and wave hi and goodbye.
she is super sweet! she'd look up,stare into my eyes, put her hand to my face, open her mouth and plant a kiss on my face or mouth. And then she'd do it again, and again! sooooo sweet!

Breastfeeding journey

Lauren is 8 months old! And I am still breastfeeding her! Yah!

I always knew I would try to BF for a year. I wanted to give her what I believe is the best for her. But I also discovered a little selfish reason: it's quick and easy! I can not bother with buying formula, boiling water, washing/sterilizing bottles, warming up milk in the middle of the night, etc. I am too lazy! :) This is the best "fast food" ever!

Breastfeeding was hard! I remember visiting the breastfeeding clinic before she was born and I was told that it may not be easy for my case. Surely enough we had latching problem from the first day. She could not latch (I think 3 lactation consultant came to help me in the hospital) and she was losing weight. She would scream and flight when I try. I was so stressed out and upset. We ended up buying human milk from Women Hospital and later on supplement with formula for a few weeks. The human milk was "liquid gold". It cost $5.00 for 75ml. Ouch! And it's not always available - they are reserved for more needed babies.

After we got released from the hospital, we went back to the BF clinic to get help. She was able to latch on with a shield. We used that for a couple of weeks until she doesn't need the shield anymore. During that time, feeding is a 2 men job.. (k.. one man and one woman). I nursed her for 30 minutes, and then pumped for 20 minutes while Tim gave her a bottle. After all that we have to wash and sterilized her bottle and the pump bottle. It takes about 1.5 hours and I was nursing every 2-3 hours.

But it was not comfortable either.. it was actually painful! I thought it was because of the constant pumping and nursing.. but I was wrong. I was actually injured. Every time she took the left side, I was in excruciating pain for a few minutes. I would scream and cry EVERY TIME. I wanted to give up but I kept telling myself that the pain will pass and BF is the best for her. I was seeing the doctor bi-weekly but I never mentioned the pain for 6 weeks. I was more concern about the milk supply at that time so I kept forgetting to ask the doctor. So finally, when the doctor told me I had enough milk supply for her, I asked the doctor to exam me. She was surprised to see the obvious wound and she had to treat it with some chemical to burn the wound. Ouch!!!

At last, the pain went away and I no longer gave her any formula. I was very proud of myself! The only thing was everyone else still like to make comments like "are you sure she's getting enough?", "maybe she's still hungry?" when she was colic or waking up every 30 min. I was never able to convince Tim that the milk supply is not the problem. We did a lot of "communication". He tried to use different way to question me -- even the nicest way -- I still get really pissed when he does. :D

Now she is eating solid and still nursing 6 or 7 times a day. I couldn't be more proud of her and myself.

Potty time

Since Lauren started eating solid, she has stopped the watery poop. I was so shocked how quickly it changed! I am using cloth diapers so I have to shake out the poop now instead of just throwing the whole diaper in the washer. This little inconvenience motivated me to start using the potty. It's pretty easy to see when she wants to go. She turns red and really starts pushing. (btw, she looks so cute doing that!). So far I had caught her twice! She doesn't like to sit still though.. always trying to touch stuff or the floor. I have to hold her still and tell her to push.. and she did! I was so proud of her and myself I took a picture of the first one! LOL! No I will not post the picture!

Bath Time

I am not sure if we are the only parents doing this still.. Lauren is 7 months old now and we still need four hands to bath her. Tim holds her steady while I soap her and rinse her.. We had tried to let her sit on her own in her small tub but she got scared a few times.

It's nice though.. this team work thing. Tim gets a lot of time with her when he gets home from work. Feeding solid, play, bath time, massage, and story time.

I love it when Tim passes her to me after bath. I have a towel ready to wrap her. She always looks at me and uses one of her hands to touch my face... until I transfer her to her crib. Sooooo cute!

Lauren's Birth (Viewer discretion is advised)

Lauren was born on July 6, 2008. She was 3305g (7lb 5oz) and 49cm long.

I had always hoped that she'd come a week earlier than the due date. I figure I wouldn't get stressed about her being late that way. We have hoped to have a natural birth so we signed up for Hypnobirthing classes. The idea is to have a comfortable and safe birth without medical intervention. At one of these classes, my instructor asked us when we think the baby would arrive. I said July 5 and I predicted a 5 hours active labour. She came a day late (which was the day Tim predicted) and I was in the hospital for about 5 hours before I gave birth.

I started feeling some pressures at around noon that day. By the way, we call it surges in Hypnobirthing. Because I had bloody show the day before, I knew this could be the day. We were going to get ready to Jahim's one year old birthday party.. but I told Tim we wouldn't be able to make it. We ended up going out for Pho for lunch. I started getting more stronger surges after an hour or so. It was uncomfortable but it wasn't painful. I remember the pain I had when I had Bonsai.. it felt quite different this time. I started using the relaxation CD I've been listening to and I used the breathing technique I learned each time I feel the surges. It was kind of funny to be out having lunch while I was in labour.. I would pause every 4 minutes or so to breath through a surge.. but no one noticed anything.

We came home after lunch. I tried a few positions people recommended to turn the baby. She wasn't breached but she was facing out and that could give me back labour which I heard would be painful. She never turned over until when I was pushing.. but I didn't get the pain either. Around 4pm, I called the hospital to let them know I may be coming soon. They suggested that I take a bath and wait till the surges are 3-4 min apart. We waited till about 630pm and then drove to the hospital.. it took us 3 mins to get there.. we are that close to the hospital!

When they checked me in the hospital, I was 5 cm dilated at 7pm. I used the hypnobirthing CDs through out the entire time. I was able to use a birthing ball and the bath in the hospital. I was feeling really confident and safe. At one point, I even sent Tim out of the hospital to get something to eat.. I think it was around 9pm. About 10:30, I started feeling a bit of pressure and I thought I was having a bowel movement. The doctor decided to check me just in case. I was 8 cm. They finally put in a dose of antibiotic at that time. I didn't have the urge anymore (bowel movement). I think at 11pm, the doc said nothing had changed (still 8 cm) and asked if we want to break the water. I didn't really care either way at that point, so I agreed to break the water. After that, the nurse suggested laughing gas to me. (I should laugh.. ) I told them I don't want it. I didn't feel any need to get anything. I did get really tense at one point. It was just before the doc break my water. I was shivering and scared. I kept saying I am cold and I asked the doc not to proceed yet. It took a few mins before I was able to clam down and felt better. After my water broke, things were going a lot more intense. The urge to push was so strong I wasn't sure if I was doing my breathing right. I was pushing with lots of loud moaning.. I kept thinking that this is not what the videos (hypnobirthing) were like! Anyway, after 25-30 min of pushing, after touching her head when she crowned, we watched her coming out and that was the most amazing moment.

She was crying for awhile. The nurse was rubbing her and I kept saying "Be gentle with my baby!" - Tim bugs me about that all the time. When they put her on my chest, she was still crying. I was thinking.. why? are you sad? how can I make you feel better? I think she finally calmed down after I patted her and talked to her softly. She was so tiny but so perfect. We counted her toes and fingers.. have to make sure there are no extra ones! (Family history) and I could finally relax! She was a healthy and beautiful baby!

blogging again?

wow.. its been so long since my last post. I actually wrote a few drafts but I never had time to finish them. I also didn't work on my baby book. I feel very bad but I did spent all my time playing and taking care of Lauren! So she's getting mommy time..

I will try to post more often. I do want to record some of my thoughts here for her. Maybe the posts will be short but it will help remembering things later. I wonder who reads my blog these days.. ha.. I didn't hear any complains so I assume no one is!

If anyone is reading this.. I am back!