oh I feel awful

I screamed and yelled at her today. I just got so frustrated. She was crying and would not let me change her diaper or go to sleep. I got so mad I screamed! So she cried even harder. I was still upset so I put her on the floor! And she didn't understand so she cried harder. Then I yelled at her again.. and she continued to cry. Oh poor thing.. I finally picked her up, broke down and cry in front of her and then I started singing to her to help her feel better. ... We went out for lunch after and we are both better now.. Phew...

Sleepy time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh the sleep issue... this is going to be a very long post.

Ever since Lauren was 2 months old, sleep is the number one thing on my mind. Not my lack of sleep, that came after.. it was her lack of sleep.

this is what I remember from 2 month - 5 month:
- only 30 min nap
- can stay up for up to 6 hours
- has to be on our chest the entire time
- has to be nursed.. and once that stopped working, has to have motion
- I can't sit down, she wakes up right away
- at night, wakes up 15 min, 30 min, an hour, 2 hours, 3.. about 6-7 times a night to nurse
- sleeps on our chest at night (which means I go to bed at 8am sometimes)
- wakes up at 2am and stays up for 3 hours
- screams if it's not mommy
- needs the fan in the bathroom if she is with daddy
- average hours of sleep per day: 11 hours (but I added the hours that I was nursing her)
- 8 hours of sleep within 24 ours was her record.

how was I?
- exhausted
- depressed
- upset with her
- upset with Tim (he kept suggestion that maybe she is not getting enough milk from me!)
- upset with myself
- wanted to bang my head against the wall when she's crying
- lost weight..

Finally we decided to go to a sleep consultant. I thought: she should be an expert. Not! If it ain't working, it's my fault for either not following the plan, missing her tire sign or somehow baby is sensing my anxiety. I am holding a lot of angers about this training issue and maybe one day I will write another post to release my anger.. that will be another long post :)

so after many tears from baby and mommy.. she was sleeping better. I can't say that Cry it out works because she still would not let me put her down to sleep awake at night time. But she did learned to put herself back to sleep in the middle of the night and she only cried for a minute if I put her down awake at nap time. Oh and I didn't say that she is sleeping through the night! She still wakes up about twice each night for milk. It is definitely better than 6 or 7 times though.

So for the past 3 months (6-9 month), we'd been doing okay. She napped two to three times a day and total about 2.5 hours. Her bedtime is around 7, wakes up twice for feeding. I wanted to cut those feedings, but just too tired (I'd stay up to listen to her fuss until she falls asleep.. which could be an hour.. so I'd rather just feed her).

Weird things start happening...
When we went to Castlegar to see her grandparents, she did not cry at all for naps. She would talk to herself and then sleep. That last three nights - the entire time we were at Castlegar. After we came back, instead of no cry or crying for a minute, she cried for 15 minutes before she naps! What a step back!

Then another thing happened: She woke up at night but she didn't cry or fuss for longer than a minute. She just went back to sleep. The next day, she was teething and she woke up every hour. However, she did the same thing.. went back to sleep without needing me. Oh even though I was up all night each time she woke up.. but that was awesome!! I was so happy.

Two days later.. as if that wonderful sleeper was a temporary replacement.. things went from awesome to awful. She would wake up as soon as I put her down and she would not stop crying until someone holds her. She would stay up or doze off but as soon as we put her down, she started screaming again! It happened for naps too. So we went back to walking her to deep sleep or letting her sleep on my chest! And she starts waking up twice for feed again! What a step back!

I wonder what is going on... oh I hope it's a stage that will pass very very soon!

the truth is...

When Lauren wouldn't go to sleep, she whines in her crib. I couldn't do anything (feeling bad). When she finally goes to sleep, I couldn't do anything (she's finally asleep, don't want to wake her up). When she is up, I couldn't do much (she wants to be entertained all the time). When she doesn't get enough rest, it takes a long time of holding and tears to get her to sleep at night. No wonder my house is a mess and I am in a lot of stress.